The Problem of Pain

"My own happiness is something like this. I am progressing along the path of life in my ordinary contentedly fallen and godless condition absorbed in a merry meeting with my friends for the morrow or a bit of work that tickles my vanity today, a holiday or a new book, when suddenly a stab of abdominal pain that threatens serious disease, or a headline in the newspapers that threatens us all with destruction, sends this whole pack of cards tumbling down. At first I am overwhelmed, and all my little happinesses look like broken toys. Then, slowly and reluctantly, bit by bit, I try to bring myself into the frame of mind that I should be in at all times. I remind myself that all these toys were never intended to posses my heart, that my true good is in another world and my only real treasure is Christ. And perhaps, by God's grace, I succeed, and for a day or two become a creature consciously dependent on God and drawing its strength from the right sources. But the moment the treat is withdrawn, my whole nature leaps back to the toys: I am even anxious, God forgive me, to banish from my mind the only thing that supported me under the threat because it is now associated with the misery of those few days. Thus the terrible necessity of tribulation is only too clear. God has had me for but forty-eight hours and then only by dint of taking everything else away from me. Let Him but sheathe that sword for moment and I behave like a puppy when the heated bath is over-I shake myself as dry as I can and race off to reacquire my comfortable dirtiness, if not in the nearest manure heap, at least in the nearest flower bed. And that is why tribulations cannot cease until God either sees us remade or sees that our remaking is now hopeless."

C.S. Lewis
The Problem of Pain

My name is Kuh-Risssseee

I've just moved to a new ward. Any of you who are familiar with BYU know that it is somewhat custom to change wards at least once in a 12-month period. This is my third ward this year and seventh here at BYU.

I want to first say that I really enjoy people and making friends. However, to get to the point where I can be myself with someone and feel like there is some substance to the relationship requires time. I really struggle with introductory conversations, which usually go something like this...potential new friend (pnf):"Hi, what's your name?" me: "Hi, I'm Krissy" pnf: "Kristy?" (The latest misunderstanding of my name is "Kissy") me: "No, Krissy...no "t" pnf: "Ah. What's your major?" me: "Dietetics" pnf: "Diuh...what?" me: "diatetics...it's like nutrition" "Oh, cool. Where are you from?".....and then it goes on. I think I've had this conversation at least 2o times today and heard everyone else around me having it too.

I suppose I see some necessity in getting to know the basic information about people, but it is such a tedious process for me sometimes. I long to be able to get to the point in a relationship with someone so that I can share all of my insides and they can do the same with me. I LOVE that. I hate holding it all in. I don't feel real when I do that.

In conclusion, I'm wondering how to make these intro-converstations more meaningful. Do I just need to change my attitude? Do I need to ask better questions? Any ideas (to the two of you that read my blog)?

Graduate School

I was notified today of my acceptance to graduate school at the University of Utah. But I'm not sure I'll be going there after all. Other options include a dietetic internship starting in January followed by graduate school in the fall either at the U or BYU. I'm not really sure what I want to do yet, or rather what I ought to do. I should probably decide soon, though. It's a little overwhelming sometimes to think about the future, but I guess that's what makes life exciting. So, we'll see!

When I say 'no' I feel guilty

So, I checked this book out about a week ago to help me be more assertive. For years I've been getting feedback from supervisors, bosses, classmates, etc. about how I need to be more assertive, so I decided to start working on it a little bit. The book was called "When I Say 'No' I feel Guilty". I actually didn't read much of it, which is why I'm writing about what I'm about to write about. I think I still have a lot of work to do.
I completely overbooked myself this week. I felt like a chicken with my head cut off, and probably looked like one, too. Every hour of every day has been filled with some sort of activity, mostly social engagements. Tonight, for example, I planned 3 separate activities for the evening. How I thought I could manage that, I'm not really sure. When I say no I feel guilty, I guess. At first it was great to be so busy and to have fun with friends. As the week has gone on, though, I've been getting more and more exhausted and have recognized that it is possible to have too much fun.
My goal for the next bit is to say no. I'm starting with tomorrow. I don't work until 1pm and have committed myself to nothing. I think I will just sit and I'm not going to feel guilty about it.

What I do when I can't sleep

Sometimes I can't sleep. These past few weeks have been especially difficult due to a sickness that I called the man-flu (not to be confused with the swine-flu) which was characterized mainly by a deep, raspy voice, large amounts of phlegm (it was no wonder no one asked me out), and an annoying cough that conviently started right around bedtime. In addition to that, my budding social life often leaves me either excited or anxious, both of which are not conducive to sleeping. And then sometimes my imagination runs wild and I get excited thinking about tap dancing and winning races I'm running this summer and getting married and all the fun I want to have in my life.

Last night I had no problems falling asleep, but this morning I woke up at five and instantly my mind started racing. Then, I realized I had to go to the bathroom and then I was thirsty and then I was hungry. Once I went to the kitchen I knew there would be no hope for me going back to sleep soon because the kitchen was dirty and apparently I have a hard time sleeping when I know the kitchen is dirty (a result of the perfectionism, I think). So, I cleaned the kitchen, ate an early breakfast, and now I'm trying to figure out what to do with my life (like that's going to help me relax).

I got online and started talking to my mom and my friends, Emily and Spencer. The only reason they're up is because they live on the east coast and have real jobs. My mom (aka my life coach) and best friend, Emily, gave me some encouragement for my most recent social challenge. I feel better for the time being, but worry that I'm going to be socially awkward for life while hoping that that's how everyone is (this is the part where you all comment and assure me that you are socially awkward, too.)

I still don't know what I'm doing with my life. I've told everyone for the past several months that I'm starting grad school in the fall. When the University of Utah misplaced my letters of recommendation due to confusion with my name I started to think about starting in the winter. And one thing lead to another and I'm not even sure I should go to grad school anymore, even though that's what I really want to do.

So, that's what's on my mind right now. I have about a half hour before I was supposed to wake up. I think I'll try sleeping again.