When I say 'no' I feel guilty

So, I checked this book out about a week ago to help me be more assertive. For years I've been getting feedback from supervisors, bosses, classmates, etc. about how I need to be more assertive, so I decided to start working on it a little bit. The book was called "When I Say 'No' I feel Guilty". I actually didn't read much of it, which is why I'm writing about what I'm about to write about. I think I still have a lot of work to do.
I completely overbooked myself this week. I felt like a chicken with my head cut off, and probably looked like one, too. Every hour of every day has been filled with some sort of activity, mostly social engagements. Tonight, for example, I planned 3 separate activities for the evening. How I thought I could manage that, I'm not really sure. When I say no I feel guilty, I guess. At first it was great to be so busy and to have fun with friends. As the week has gone on, though, I've been getting more and more exhausted and have recognized that it is possible to have too much fun.
My goal for the next bit is to say no. I'm starting with tomorrow. I don't work until 1pm and have committed myself to nothing. I think I will just sit and I'm not going to feel guilty about it.

What I do when I can't sleep

Sometimes I can't sleep. These past few weeks have been especially difficult due to a sickness that I called the man-flu (not to be confused with the swine-flu) which was characterized mainly by a deep, raspy voice, large amounts of phlegm (it was no wonder no one asked me out), and an annoying cough that conviently started right around bedtime. In addition to that, my budding social life often leaves me either excited or anxious, both of which are not conducive to sleeping. And then sometimes my imagination runs wild and I get excited thinking about tap dancing and winning races I'm running this summer and getting married and all the fun I want to have in my life.

Last night I had no problems falling asleep, but this morning I woke up at five and instantly my mind started racing. Then, I realized I had to go to the bathroom and then I was thirsty and then I was hungry. Once I went to the kitchen I knew there would be no hope for me going back to sleep soon because the kitchen was dirty and apparently I have a hard time sleeping when I know the kitchen is dirty (a result of the perfectionism, I think). So, I cleaned the kitchen, ate an early breakfast, and now I'm trying to figure out what to do with my life (like that's going to help me relax).

I got online and started talking to my mom and my friends, Emily and Spencer. The only reason they're up is because they live on the east coast and have real jobs. My mom (aka my life coach) and best friend, Emily, gave me some encouragement for my most recent social challenge. I feel better for the time being, but worry that I'm going to be socially awkward for life while hoping that that's how everyone is (this is the part where you all comment and assure me that you are socially awkward, too.)

I still don't know what I'm doing with my life. I've told everyone for the past several months that I'm starting grad school in the fall. When the University of Utah misplaced my letters of recommendation due to confusion with my name I started to think about starting in the winter. And one thing lead to another and I'm not even sure I should go to grad school anymore, even though that's what I really want to do.

So, that's what's on my mind right now. I have about a half hour before I was supposed to wake up. I think I'll try sleeping again.

Happy Birthday!

I turned 24 this past Thursday. It was probably one of my most favorite birthdays. Even though birthdays aren't exciting as you get older, there's still a little something magical about your birthday. Here are the highlights of my 24th birthday (these are in the order in which they happened so as not to show favorites):

1. Waking up to balloons at the bottom of my bed from my friend (and roommate Tiffany) and a message from my dear mother


2. Going on a long bike ride and talking on the phone to Libby



3. My roommates made me pancakes for breakfast



4. My coworkers brought me cupcakes



5. My missionaries gave me a card and a little treat



6. My childhood best friends, Katie and Holly, both called me



7. Clark brought me a "Get Well" balloon and chocolate



8. My friend Spencer sent me flowers



9. Going on a picnic with my favorite people and eating communal style and laughing till I cried



10. Visiting with Kendall, who gave me bread pans and a garlic press...just what I wanted!



11. My dad called and left a message of him singing "Happy Birthday"



12. Kelley, my older sister, sent me a really nice card telling me how much she likes me.

So, that was my day! I just feel really lucky to have so many people that love me :)

Oh yeah, and I graduated

My posts are a little out of order and this one is a little misleading. The truth is that I haven't officially graduated. I still have one more class to take, but I celebrated with the rest of my class. I decided to have a party, which is not usually my style, but I wanted to have my favorite people over who have helped me get through these last 6 years. It was a lot of fun! I even laughed till I cried and got a cramp in my shoulder (that's how I can tell that I'm really having a good time). Well, here are some pictures of the evening.

Take Me Out to The Ball Game

A favorite family tradition of ours is to go to the local minor league baseball team, the Mudcats. I'm not really sure if anyone in my family really likes to watch baseball except for my brother. I think the rest of us just pretend or go for the food. This time was especially fun since the new addition to our family, my soon-to-be brother-in-law, Jericho, came. (see picture above, this is us on the way...there are a lot of us so we had to squish)

The engagees.


The folks.








On the way home. Since I'm the youngest I always get stuck in the middle.